I've been a musician all my life. I sing, I play guitar, I play keyboard. The people that I work with at Dave’s Killer Bread, we’re like a family. A couple kids here can play guitar phenomenally so now a lot of us play during lunch, before work or after work, which really helps.
If I hadn't gotten the job at Dave's Killer Bread I probably wouldn’t have made it. The people that I work with, that are in recovery like me, we're helping each other feel encouraged and capable and tall. Because of this job I'm alive. It's pretty profound.
The disease of addiction had complete control over me. My drug use brought me to all kinds of places: jails, institutions and death. I had almost eight years clean when I relapsed. Someone found me in the parking lot of a doughnut shop. I had been out for six hours and they had to Life Flight me to save my life. I don't remember that part. All I remember is being controlled by drugs. I remember something evil saying to me, “You're no good for this world, you're a horrible mom, you're a horrible wife. The world would be a better place without you.” And I believed it.
Then I died. I remember God being there with me and saying, “I'll accept you however you decide to be. But you know what? I don't think you're done yet. It's up to you. I'm ready with open arms, but will you regret not going back?”
Some days things are so hard I just want to quit. I think God had to remind me that he doesn’t doubt me, because I don’t always feel confident. Relapse is a process and it goes from thinking to feeling to acting. There's times where I've thought about it. And I’ve felt like doing it. But I know that I'm accountable and responsible and I have things to give the world. I remind myself exactly what I'm doing here: helping others grow and staying clean no matter what. It keeps me from making that wrong decision.
Small things mean so much more to me now. When I get home from work, and my husband and my puppies and me are chilling out together, to me that's a piece of heaven. That's what's important to me. A positive outlet versus negativity.
I'm bringing the music back. We are all instruments. If we can just try to make the music sound better the world will be a much better place. Instead of focusing on problems, I’m focusing on solutions.